Thursday, January 01, 2009

Goth Funeral Rights

I did an end of the year check of the statistics for my blog. It still has a technorati score of 1, and very few inbound links (compared to the number of posts).

I think this is because I have more sympathy for the libertarian and conservative view than for the dialectic progressive.

Wanting to build some inbound links, I thought I would take a progressive stand on an issue.

This last year, I was surprised at the inroads made on the gay marriage issue.

This issue surprised me as I was for gay marriage back in the 80s. Back then, militants in the gay lobby shouted down gay marriage because they were against all forms of marriage. I stopped supporting gay marriage in my youth because I decided it wasn't sufficiently progressive.

Having flipped on the issue, I decided to avoid flopping on it when the idea is considered progressive again.

Fortunately, in my progressive days, I was taught to deconstruction ideas; So, I figure that the way to regain a progressive allure is to deconstruct the gay marriage movement and create a similar movement for a different issue.

Deconstruction, as you know, is a super politically correct form of literary criticism. What I am doing is so cool, avant-garde and wonderful that I am amazed with myself. I am like a step beyond progressive at the moment. I am like in a state of transcendent progressivism. It feels wonderful.

Okay, marriage is a cultural institution formed around the sexual reproductive process. The reproduction process involves passing DNA from a male and female in the procreation of a third being.

Progressive thinkers have framed the reproduction system as an artificial contrivance of George W. Bush, the Pope and Hitler. Anyone who believes that life on the planet earth propagates through sexual reproduction is framed as a hater.

That gig's been done.

I decided that my progressive cause should have the same basic form. What I need to do is find another cultural tradition centered on a core life event.

Then it dawned on me. Funerals are wide open. Some religions really take their funerals seriously. They have big ceremonies with thousands of people attending. People at funerals are often overwrought with emotion; so you can work up a really good reaction when you disrupt a burial with a naked protest.

So, I decided my progressive demand for 2009 is that Goth Funerals be declared the legal equivalence to funerals for the dead.

The traditional funeral starts when a doctor declares, at some arbitrary point, that a person is dead. Despite what anyone says, science cannot declare with certainty the instant of death.

After this arbitrary declaration of death, the bereaved gather at funeral home, have a religious or civil ceremony then either bury or incinerate the remains.

On the legal side: when people die, they get a social security death benefit, and life insurance policies pay up.

A Goth Funeral happens when a sultry young thing realizes that life is so bleak and dismal that they stop identifying with the living. This sad creature transforms into a dark looming corpse that wanders around in an undead state. When a person feels like clicking the second choice on a form asking "To be or not to be?" they are primed for a goth funeral.

To Be, Not To Be

People who've come to the conclusion that they are vampires suffer the same plight. They aren't really living, but are oppressed by a state that refuses to give them death certificates.

So, my progressive demand is that people who realize they are undead should be allowed to have a goth funeral. The bereaved would gather around and have a tax-exempt party to mourn the passing from living to undead. Social security should pay a death benefit, and the heirs of the newly undead should be allowed to collect any insurance benefits held by the recently not-quite-yet-deceased.

The undead should then be allowed to sue cemeteries, and demand that cemeteries provide heated caskets and restroom facilities in their mausoleums so that the undead will be able to sleep in the cemetery with all of the other dead people.

NOTE, a heated casket is a cross between burial and incineration and is the choice of the discerning undead.

With a little luck, my demands might irk some right wing religious group. Like all discrimination in the world, the discrimination against the undead is a product of religion. I hope that some quirky right wing religion takes a stand against my redefinition of death. If we get this thing set up right, we can really run the religious kooks into a corner.

The funerals-are-for-the-dead crowd is really just a group of small minded religious haters.

I say that it is time for the undead to stand up and demand their rights! They should be given all the rights and privileges awarded by George W. Bush, the Pope and Hitler to the dead.

The insurance investigators who deny life insurance simply because they have pictures of a person wandering around in dark clothes and thick black makeup should be labeled what they really are: Haters. They are evil people who misunderstand and hate the undead.

The one legal hang up I am still working on in is that the undead should not be denied the right to vote. But, looking at the large number of people of people in cemeteries who register and vote each year, it may not be that big of a hang up after all.

Join Me in the Cause

I started the year by opening a bright new front for progressive change.

I invite living and undead alike to link to my new progressive cause.

This is going to be so great. I can almost feel the sun glistening off my flumpy pectorals. I just hope that I don't accidentally fall back into being a curmudgeon as the year wears on.