FAT PEOPLE Compress the Earth

I've always wanted to write for a "scientific" journal. So, I thought I would quickly whip up some of the tripe that passes for science these days. Here goes:

This just in: A new "scientific" study finds that FAT PEOPLE COMPRESS THE EARTH!

Yep, that's right, FAT PEOPLE eat more than is socially just. Having committed food injustice, FAT PEOPLE artificially compress the earth when they go stomping about.

Each foot step of a fat person exerts more pressure on the surface of the earth than foot steps by skinny people which leads to excess wear, tear and compression on the surface.

If this compression of the earth crosses the tipping point, the earth would become so compressed that it would collapse in on itself and turn into a black hole!

Because there's more fat people in the US than China, the ongoing crisis of food injustice has created a situation in which the world is going all tipsy.

Dare I say, if not for the Peoples' Republic of Cuba offsetting the US, the food injustice of the United States would have caused the earth to spin off its axis and shoot into outer space!

The US could learn a lot from Cuba because Cuba is based on scientific socialism. Scientific socialism has the word "scientific" in it. This means it is better than the free market which leaves things up to chance.

In conclusion, the US should adopt scientific socialism. Socialism would stop the compression of the earth by reducing food injustices. Not only that, history shows that countries that have adopted scientific socialism have turned large numbers of people into compost and compost breaks up the soil.

Yep. I would have fit right in with the crowd writing "science" journals.